Y’all! This morning, I tried on my Under Armour compression pants I bought a while back and I was so annoyed. After I washed them I think they shrank or something. The rise seems lower than I remember, and people – it was not good. I did not want to spend my entire morning pulling the waist up so I just switched to a different pair.

But then I got thinking – whose bright idea was it to make low rise workout pants anyway? On what planet is that a good idea? Are the makers not aware that most workouts involve actual movement – like bouncing, bending and stretching?

Honestly, it makes me kind of mad. We spend a lot of money on this stuff, and I don’t think it is too much to ask for a pair of pants that will stay on.

So I decided it was time to do something about it. So here is an open letter to the makers of workout clothing, from the women who wear it:

Dear Sirs (and we know you are men…),

For years, women have suffered in silence. We have been subjected to atrocities and endured embarrassments beyond human comprehension – yet, we have not complained. We have accepted your crummy garments as our lot – the price of wearing Lycra.

No more. No more will we stand idly by while these horrors continue. Starting today, we rise up against inappropriate workout clothing and demand that those who have shackled us to their crappy pants for so long, be held accountable.

Or at least we demand that you please, for the love of all that is holy, stop making poorly designed, low rise workout pants out of crappy material.

Thousands of times a day, across North America and around the world, women in low rise workout pants show crack in yoga classes. We struggle to keep our pants up while running on streets and treadmills, due to the lack of drawstrings in your garments. Your pants give us muffin top.

This madness must end.

When designing garments, design them for actual women, including women whose body fat percentage permits menstruation. Hire a woman who exercises to be part of your design team, ask her what she needs, and actually listen to what she says.

In addition, we demand that your products be made from better materials. Last year, millions of women purchased overpriced Lululemon yoga pants, which were apparently made from transparent material. This became the source of much media attention when the pants were recalled and the company was sued. The CEO of the company then insulted the customers, implying that if they just would stop being fat, transparent pants would not be a problem.

Naturally, the CEO of this company is a man.

As if transparent pants and muffin tops weren’t enough, even pants which are not see through or in danger of falling off still leave too little to the imagination. Due to your use of flimsy or unfortunately colored material, we have for years been forced to inadvertently suffer from camel toe while working out. This is unhealthy for us, not to mention embarrassing.

Furthermore, there is an ongoing problem with many pants not colored black when we sweat “down there.” Other writers have expounded on this topic better than I can, so I will just say this: Surely in this day and age when we have the technology to access the entirety of the world’s knowledge base from a device that fits in our pockets, there surely must be a way to make pants from fabric that won’t appear as if we’ve peed our pants when we sweat.

In Closing

Pants makers of the world, we demand that you stop blaming us for the design flaws in your garments. Accept the fact that women of all shapes and sizes have the same right to work out and become more fit as have those lucky few whose body fat percentage is in the single digits. We should all be able to do so in clothing that is both functional and flattering.

And while you’re at it, see if there isn’t something you can do about the smell.

Sincerely,

A bunch of sweaty women who wear your products.

Well, how’d I do? What drives you crazy about your workout clothes?